Audiomachine - When It All Falls Down.mp3

Audiomachine - When It All Falls Down

This is an old post, I’ve reviewed it but haven’t updated it, so the content is exactly the same as years ago, tbh, it hasn’t changed much

Your family struggled with money since you were a kid, your father was blue-collar while your mother, decided to stay at home because she hadn't any willingness to work. With a single paycheck, financial problems were always present and you've sensed it at a very young age. You recall a recurring nightmare where you were in front of a huge pile of money and you had to move it, from one place to another, with haste because something was haunting you. When you woke up you were sweaty as hell and your heart was pumping.

Poverty molded your personality and this issue touches you very deeply. Homeless people are the ones with whom you feel more connection, it seems like you can feel their suffering. For that reason, you've always made charity to them, even when you were a broke kid. Many many times you've decided to don't buy your snacks and instead give the money to them.

Your life was miserable, your parents didn't provide enough food and didn't care. You had to cope with many problems while you were a kid with no experience in the world, it was devastating. Eventually, stress got the best of you, and you developed hyperthyroidism as a reaction, a disease that you were on meds for 14 years, but thankfully, you got rid of. Since your family was a mess, a welfare worker (don't know whether it is the correct term), was assigned to you, and gladly, he changed your life. You have begun to eat enough and properly, you also get new dresses instead of the old, patchy ones, and you've also got other perks as well.

Fast forwarding, at some point, you've begun to play poker and got lucky enough to win at the very beginning. You've started with ZERO, from freerolls, and made up a good amount of money, from which you have started to live on your own. You were very proud of yourself, you were confident and your future was bright, but something was always looming over you. You cannot address it because it wasn't clear and it isn't even right now, but you think is something related to your parents.

7 years ago you got sick, with an unknown disease, and you felt like drowning along with other several issues. You've started to play less and less and spent most of the money won on exams and cures, in vain. You've met the best doctors and you still have no diagnosis, but one of them pointed out that it could be something related to your mind. A wake-up call that something wasn't right.

At the time, you didn't pay attention to the comment, but now you do. After you've done every tests that don’t highlight anything abnormal you have to surrender and be open to the fact that your suffering could be psychological. If you have to be fair, my disease started when you were experiencing many stressful events at once, alone. You think the recognition of being alone in life and having to count only on yourself was the culprit.

It was too much to bear. You've always felt that way, but suddenly, it becomes apparent.

In reality, You are not lonely at all, because you got friends that long to be with you, but deep down something is missing, and you think it is the lack of a safety net. You were able to sustain yourself for over 10 years with poker and you never were a financial burden for your parents. Right now they got 3k into their bank account, they accomplished burning 400k on nothing and I had to save their ass once. The problem is... they won't do the same thing for you, both because they don't want to and because they can't do it because they lack money. Being short on money isn't the only issue, they are children that never grew, unable to provide for me or them. They aren’t preoccupied at all, they don’t think about their future and your future. The bottom line is that you've always felt I have no parachute, if you fail in poker or if you need any kind of help, you won't be able to ask. You know, because you've tried. You want to highlight that you haven't asked for money, or any help whatsoever. They aren't able to look after themselves and you cannot count on them.

Right now you've got little money on the side and you are staked for years now. The problem is my staker is going to close the stable down soon, so you will have to play with your money or look around for another stake, which you fear you won't find. It's kinda funny because you've played 4M hands with 5BB/100 profit and you still think nobody will be interested in you. This insecurity (for no reason) stems from your broken childhood.

You want to join a CFP but you are still behind schedule for that, you wanted to have a full year of expenses covered but now you've got 8 months. You think getting accepted into one of those programs will save your life, really. You will be part of a team, working together for a common goal, it will be a complete life changer. You want to show yourself want you are really capable of. you have opened up a journal 2 months ago, to open yourself up, and venting the problems which you've always hidden from other people. Right now you are running really bad for the last 100k hands and your confidence nosedived.

You feel like you are playing a video game with a single life, at the hardest mode. You simply cannot thrive, you cannot explore things in life, you are stuck, for too many years now. You've read a ton of self-help books, in attempting to fix yourself, but they didn't help. You had psychotherapy with a very skilled guy, but you've stopped it because you hadn't enough money.

You don't enjoy life, you try to save every penny and this leads you to a life of deprivation. You don't buy new clothes for over a year now, you don't go on vacation for 5 years now and I don't rest my mind since my birth.

Also, you totally lack vision, you don't have clear goals anymore which makes every day exactly the same as the previous one, an endless grind, a suffering. Even if you feel that way, I can assure you, you wake up every day, with a knife between your teeth, ready to fight again and again for a better future. You are astonished by that because, after many years of this, most would just give up and probably kill themselves. You really think the only difference between you and who decides to end their life is just chance, good genetics combined with winning the coinflip of the "resilience" perk.